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An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son asks?

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper,  do you hear me?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”

Willie Nelson shared jokes with Johnny Knoxville during the Sirius/XM Radio’s Town Hall With Willie Nelson.  Here’s one Willie told:

At Christmastime, a mailman knocked on a door, and a woman greeted him, “Hello, Don, come on in.”  Then she led him to the back bedroom where she screwed his brains out, then took him to the kitchen where she fixed him a full breakfast with bacon and eggs and sausage and the works.  Then she walked him to the door, handed him a dollar bill and wished him Merry Christmas.

The mailman could not believe his good fortune, took the dollar and said, “What was that all about?”

The woman said, “Well, I asked my husband what we should give you for Christmas and he said, ‘Screw him.  Give him a dollar.’   The breakfast was my idea.”

Sirius/XM radio is re-broadcasting their Town Hall with Willie Nelson, and you can find out times at their website:
www.Sirius.com.

Shot my first turkey yesterday!
Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section.
It was awesome!
Getting old is so much fun.

Remember: Don’t make old People mad.
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

“I love them.” ****

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there’s a will, there’s relatives.
27. Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.

**** PARAPROSDOKIANS:  Winston Churchill was reportedly fond of them –”Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.”

Willie Nelson told this joke on Willie Wednesday, on the Bill Mack show, Sirius/XM radio last year:

It was the day before Christmas, and a mailman delivered mail to a house on his route. The woman answered the door, smiling, and said, “Oh, Harry, you’ve been our mail man for so many years. Come inside!”

The mail man went inside, and the woman said, “I have a special gift for you. Come with me.” She headed to the back of the house, and the mail man followed her back to her bedroom, where she offered herself and gave him an afternoon he wouldn’t soon forget.

Later, as he dressed and was getting ready to leave, the woman handed him a dollar. The man was perplexed, motioned to the bed with the dollar and asked, “What was this about?”

The woman said, “That was my husband’s idea. I asked him, ‘What shall we give our mail man, he’s delivered mail for so many years?’ And my husband said, ‘Screw him.’ Oh, and the dollar was my idea.”

Thursday, January 6th, 2011