Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category
Thank you, Miss Tex, a/k/a Pat, for this joke:
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I’m on the toilet. Please advise.
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son asks?
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, do you hear me?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”
Willie Nelson shared jokes with Johnny Knoxville during the Sirius/XM Radio’s Town Hall With Willie Nelson. Here’s one Willie told:
At Christmastime, a mailman knocked on a door, and a woman greeted him, “Hello, Don, come on in.” Then she led him to the back bedroom where she screwed his brains out, then took him to the kitchen where she fixed him a full breakfast with bacon and eggs and sausage and the works. Then she walked him to the door, handed him a dollar bill and wished him Merry Christmas.
The mailman could not believe his good fortune, took the dollar and said, “What was that all about?”
The woman said, “Well, I asked my husband what we should give you for Christmas and he said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”
Sirius/XM radio is re-broadcasting their Town Hall with Willie Nelson, and you can find out times at their website:
Brad Paisley: “Tonight we are honoring the great Willie Nelson. And simultaneously we’re also going to strip you of all your CMA awards.”
Carrie Underwood: “Because Willie, it appears there have been some doping charges.”
(In the crowd, Nelson shrugs and says “guilty.”)
This joke came from Johnny Bush, via Dallas Wayne:
One night a man went out dancing with his girlfriend. He wore his brand new patent leather boots, and while they were dancing, he looked down at his feet and and asked his girlfriend, ‘Darlin’, are you wearing underwear?” “No”, she replied, “I’m not”. “Thank God,” he said. ”I thought my new boots had a crack in them.”