“Hey Willie. It’s Kenny. This is hanging in a bar in Key West. Couldn’t resist!!
Love you pal,”
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around’
he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
‘Guess I was really into it, y’know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Deputy Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.’
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence …
‘I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
‘A pumpkin? Shit … is it midnight already?’
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.
Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales…
Cowboy 1, Frank
Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.”
Cowboy 2, Snake River Ben
Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn’t stand to be bested. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp – didn’t even get a belly ache.”
Cowboy 3, Old Red River Tom
Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Oklahoma remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker…
Willie Nelson shared jokes with Johnny Knoxville during the Sirius/XM Radio’s Town Hall With Willie Nelson. Here’s one Willie told:
At Christmastime, a mailman knocked on a door, and a woman greeted him, “Hello, Don, come on in.” Then she led him to the back bedroom where she screwed his brains out, then took him to the kitchen where she fixed him a full breakfast with bacon and eggs and sausage and the works. Then she walked him to the door, handed him a dollar bill and wished him Merry Christmas.
The mailman could not believe his good fortune, took the dollar and said, “What was that all about?”
The woman said, “Well, I asked my husband what we should give you for Christmas and he said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”